Feeling a little Blue

I've been away for sometime and I am finally pulling myself out of a rough patch. It just seems so hard to see so many women bringing life into the world and my sweet angel didn't make it, I am believing God's word and I know that he is here and our family will soon add a healthy happy bundle of joy but the waiting sometimes hurts worst than the loss. I can feel when Jaylece is around and I know that she doesn't want me to dwell because that will surely slow the process of giving her a brother or sister to play hear on earth but I have days like this when I can't help but wonder and wish she was here. I trust God and I know that he will provide me with all my prayers and I'm not rushing him but I hope that soon we get a BFP. I took a short break from the ladies who support me so much but seeing the daily news of pregnancies and BFP's got to be a little too much. I can't lie and say I don't sneak peek at my email just to be sure that everyone is doing ok and I am jealous nor do I envy any of those wonderful ladies but during these periods especially since we have not been able to conceive makes it a little difficult to stay happy when I hurt so much inside. This feeling will not last forever and I will never doubt God I just needed sometime away to get my mind off of TTC, I still pray everyday for all my abbylooper family and that those who are pregnant cook until the baby is full term, I pray for those TTC so that they have the best XMAS gift and get BFP's and I pray for all the miracle babies that have been given life because of this wonderful procedure. I will get over this hump some days are just a little hard. Hope everyone has a great week and I love you all so much!

Day 3 CLomid

So I have been taking clomid since Monday and my goodness my Drive is through the roof LOL, my one concern is my cervical mucus is a little more than normal and my temp is higher than normal. We have already began our practice run ;) so maybe it will happen before day 10. I am just so excited and hope that the first cycle will result in a baby so that I can put my TAC to work. I know that God is good and we will deliver a full term health TAC miracle next year. :)

Whoo Hoo

Its funny how life is, I sat down and thought about my life and how so many new things started for me in the month of September. God spoke it to me several years ago that many things were fruitful for me and it would be during this timeframe I didn't know it would be 4 years but as they say he gives it to you when he is ready not necessarily when you ask for it. I'm so thankful right now that it really hasn't even set in.

Today's rants

Sometimes I wonder how big I would be if I had gotten this far with Jaylece. I'm not saying I don't trust God but I'm human and I have those moments that make me sad. I am ready to put this TAC to use so DH and I have to get the ball rolling LOL.

Finally TAC'd

I am so happy I have gone through the surgery and made my first appointment to see the OBGYN to discuss Clomid. I am so elated and can't wait the conception process. Yahoo!!!! TTC is so fun and can't wait until my husband is not so scared to touch me. LOL

Random Rants on this Somber Day

During this time off of work we have been doing as much research as possible on the TAC. Appt with the MFM was good but not as good as we would have hoped. MFM has suggested that we wait 3-6 months before the surgery and then 3-6 months after that before TTC, for me and DH that just seems like such a long time and we would prefer to start the process sooner rather than later. It's harder when either you have friends that are having babies (one born Saturday) and/or getting pregnant (good friend just announced) and they are going through with no problems and you find yourself to be in that small percentage of woman that seem to have issues. I have my good days and my bad days but reading about the woman on abbyloopers helps because I know that the surgery does work and with prayer we will soon also be in the group of woman that have had successful pregnancies. I'm still taking it one day at a time and try so hard to put on a brave face so that DH doesn't worry about me but nights like Saturday where I cry myself to sleep because my grief is so heavy makes it harder to move forward. I believe in God and his word so I hold on to that and it helps me make it through... Today I am somber because this marks one month since our loss, I can't believe that a month went by so fast because I can still remember everything about that tragic day. I will keep my head up and try not to worry because as the word says pray about it and take your hands off allowing God to move.

Momma said there would be days like this

Hello all,
Sorry about the post but I just had to express myself. On yesterday my husband and I had a great day together. We went to the movies to see Horrible Bosses which I must admit is an excellent movie, upon arriving home we discovered in the mail a box and in my horror it was from Enfamil, while pregnant I emailed all the baby brands requesting coupons and products because I am a self proclaimed couponer so for me FREE is always better LOL. Days like this make my progress of moving forward harder. I thought I was gaining momentum with my TAC especially because I had my consultation with Dr. Haney and things seemed to be looking up but getting that package in the mail made the feelings of being inadequate come back. I know that God is here and he would never bring me through something without there being just cause, all I could do was pray for strength. I know that I will soon have my addition to our family but the days until that happens are sometimes longer than most.

Going Stir Crazy

On June 25, 2011 my angel Jaylece Brown went to heaven. My husband and I thought we'd done everything right so that in October we would bring our bundle of joy home... A little history about me I went through Leep surgery at 17 yrs old and had a beautiful baby girl the next year never would I have ever imagined that her birth would be so easy compared to the events of the future. A couple of years after her birth I met a wonderful man that would be my first husband God rest his soul. We begin our journey to having a family and were unsuccessful, I soon learned that I had PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This caused our fertility to be harder than most but after several attempts with clomid I became pregnant, unfortunately late one night one of my cysts ruptured causing me to lose the baby. A couple of years later  in 2005 we retried clomid and I became pregnant, everything seemed to be going so well on July 29, 2005 I attended a close friends bridal shower and upon arriving home had a strong urge to go to the bathroom (sorry tmi) when I went to the bathroom I felt something hanging out of me and when my husband looked it was part of my SAC. The nearest hospital was less than 2 miles away but they would not take me due to an overage on the L&D floor so we had to travel 10 miles to the closest hospital to our home. As the ambulance driver loaded me into the back my SAC ruptured and I knew that my baby was not going to make it. At the time I didn't understand but in 2007 my first husband was killed in a tragic car accident. At the time I had no idea what I was going to do I was so overwhelmed by grief that I could barely get out of bed, I stayed prayerful and asked the Lord for strength. A month later I lost my job and several weeks after that my mortgage rates changed I continued to believe in God's word and pray, as the days passed I didn't think that I was going to be able to handle it but God made a way and I was offered a better job, decided to leave my home, and finally began to get my head back together.

Now fast forward 2 years February 2009 I woke up one night and saw a commercial for match.com, I decided that I was ready to move on and subscribed. Once online I was shocked to see this gorgeous man stating that he was leaving match in his headline. I wondered if I had made the right decision so I reached out to him so that I could find out what was wrong with the service, at the time I was skeptical so I assumed that he was leaving due to the site being a rip off or the people on the site being psycho's. I didn't think he would respond because he showed as no longer a customer but shortly after I winked at him and sent my message he responded. We talked briefly via match and decided that we would exchange Gmail accounts and we IM'd each other the next day.Well long behold 2 years later we are happily married lets press reverse a little because in  July 2010 I woke up to excruciating pain my husband rushed me to the hospital and we learned that I had an ectopic pregnancy and one of my tubes would have to be removed. I really went through a period where I thought that I'd never be pregnant again but I prayed to God to give us a child.  In February 2011 I wasn't feeling so well and my once non-existent cycle that I finally was regular had not shown up I bought a pregnancy test and before I could place the cap on it and wait the 3 mins we got double pink lines. I was so happy I never would have imagined that we could become pregnant without clomid and I was thanking God because he'd answered my prayers of bringing home baby.

Shortly after finding out we went to the initial doctors appointment and they confirmed that I was pregnant and dated me to be 7 weeks, I disagreed with them because of my last cycle date which would have me at 10 weeks but they were the Doc's so I didn't argue. We explained my history and I was told immediately I would need a  TVC cerclage during week 13 my doctor expressed how my IC would be saved because of this magic stitch, I was happy that we would not have to experience what I had gone through 6 years prior, time went on and I had the worst case of morning sickness I could imagine we finally got to our surgery date and my doctor expressed that he would be doing the McDonald Cerclage again me being naive I thought that all would be OK.

My pregnancy progressed and my husband was at every doc's appointment, I was starting to feel better but was unable to sleep which was OK with me because I was so happy. We went to our appt and found out that we were having a girl, granted I was a little disappointed because I was team blue but still happy because my prayers were being answered. About a week later Jaylece began to move and I was taken back because with my older daughter I didn't feel her until about 6 months, I was tired, and yes I was sick but I was excited about this little baby. My daughter and husband seemed to forget about little ole me and all they were concerned with was the baby but again that was OK. During the 3rd week of June I began to notice a heavier discharge than normal we went to the Doc and per the CNM that was normal, I expressed my concern that when I went to the bathroom it seem to trickle out, and that I was going to the bathroom at least 10 times an hour. Per CNM baby was probably sitting on my bladder and it should get better. She stressed that I keep my appt with the Peri that following Monday. June 21, 2011 I went to the Peri appt and told him about my constant bathroom breaks and he told me that he would send me to the lab after my US to test for a bladder infection. Well during the US he found that I was funneling and told me that I needed to go home and I would be on Bed rest we skipped the lab because it seemed as if this was urgent. He also prescribed indomethicine because he noticed that I was contracting so after filling the prescription we rushed home for a week of modified bed rest. The next day I felt a lot of pressure and the discharge was again really heavy we went to the OBGYN and he did another US and stated that I was still contracting and usually the meds would be working but maybe I needed more time. If I would have known I would have gone to the hospital but that is neither here nor there, my husband and I returned home and I started to feel better. Two days later I again was hurting and I was feeling strange called the doc I was told to drink water and lay on my left side and I should feel better. I followed orders but by Friday afternoon I noticed that fluid was pouring out of me. My husband and I decided to go to the hospital but they instructed us to call the doc. We declined and let them know we were coming anyway. Upon arriving I was checked and the words that I feared I was in labor and my water had broken, all I could do was think back to my previous losses and wonder why Lord What have I done? I was given the option of inducing or letting nature do it's thing and I opted for induction at the time I think I was going a little mental and had checked out for a a while. My husband and I pleaded with the doc there had to be something that we could do but unfortunately there was nothing that could be done and we had to accept that our little girl was going to heaven. My daughter lost it when she arrived because she was so ready to be a big sister, my husband was losing it as well and there was nothing that I could do for either of them at the time. After what seemed like forever the doc came in and said it was time, at 3:29am Jaylece Laverne Brown was born. Since that time I have prayed to God to please help me understand, I have also researched and found the the TVC is not the most proficient method for someone who has had the issues that I have. I am now on my journey of getting a TAC done so that we could possibly with the Lords help bring home baby. I pray that God grants my family this blessing and that he allows this child that isn't conceived to be healthy and full-term.

Jn 14:14........ "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it."